MIA

I've been a little MIA lately, which has been a bummer because I felt like I was doing a pretty good job of updating in January. Not meaning to be cryptic, but I was going through some CRAZY stuff. I would explain the whole thing, but it's complicated; lawyers, police, and campus officials are involved, and I'm really really sick of talking about it. 

Let's just say there was some sexual harassment directed my way, and I was pretty much terrified and a complete emotional disaster for about a week. 

Luckily, I have an amazing support system (Brady, Danny, Kendra, Tori, and Gabe- I'm looking at you in particular), but it has been really hard. I like to think of myself as a confident, strong, independent, and respectable woman, so it's hard to have someone so completely disrespect you, to feel scared, to depend on other people the way that I've had to. Most of all, it's really been awful to realize that some people think it's ok to behave this way, and to recognize that this kind of behavior (and worse) is probably much more common than we think.

Anyway, highlights since the last blog post...

Had one of the best days ever, involving Chicago Bulls jersey buying, banner making, gift card shopping, best Indian food in the state, Target, watched a terrible movie with a slightly intoxicated friend, and after-hours lazer tagging. 

I got a new calling! I, along with two of my roommates, Kendra and Dena, are the ward publicists. I actually love it! I've already met a ton of new people and I feel a lot more involved. 

Somehow conned Gabe into getting a gym membership @ the gym I go to. I actually work out now, because I have a gym buddy. We have this sort-of game where we read Newsweek on the elliptical machines, and rant to each other whilst out of breath. We clear rooms with our liberalness, great stuff. 

Gave a speech at an event we, the College Democrats, co-hosted with other political clubs RE a new student fee. Went pretty well for the most part, but apparently the USU Republicans can't stand me because I don't say the things they want me to. Shocker. Also, sometimes your ex shows up to said event and it is sort of uncomfortable. (But hey, I looked killer, and I did a good job. So there's that.)

Saw this documentary. 

Went to Brady's Quidditch tournament! I loved it! I will never play because I'm just not sporty...plus it is full contact and I bruise like a peach. I really loved watching- his team is amazing, they won the tournament! I also got to hang out with Brady's sister and his girlfriend a bit, which was fun. Jen (his girlfriend, also plays for BYU's team) decided that Brady easily had the best/most attractive cheering section, and I must agree. 

Zumba with the Gay/Straight alliance on campus. If you, like me, are totally self conscious about your lack of rhythm and hip movement, you should Zumba with gay men. They don't give a crap about how ridiculous you look.

Got to hang out with Danny when he came to Logan for the weekend to hang out with some buddies. I finally learned how to play that card game Bang!, and nearly suffocated on salt and vinegar popcorn. It was also good to have him around because he seems to really know when I'm doing okay and when I'm not, so he gave me a blessing that really helped with the aforementioned situation. 

My sister and brother both had birthdays. My baby brother can now date, and I don't like it. 

Valentines Day was pretty busy. I was interviewed by the school paper, my visiting teachers came over, Shashank brought Tori, Kendra and I an impressive spread of chocolate, and I went to the Vagina Monologues. Later, a bunch of us had Trashy Tv Tuesday as usual with the Teen Mom 2 Finale, complete with a grocery store trip involving an impromptu game of "Who comes to Walmart at 10:30 PM on Valentines Day?" Bingo. 

Tonight, after a terrible showing at the line-dancing ward FHE event, Kendra and I decided to redeem ourselves by renting the Michael Jackson Experience for the Wii. Lesson learned? I am awesome at Thriller and Ghost, but somehow cannot dance like a living human person very well. Good to know, maybe this will help me survive by blending in if we ever have a musical zombie apocalypse. 

Wow. This post was random. 

He's just not that into you.

One of the most humbling things about 'growing up' has been realizing how often my parents were right, especially when it comes to relationships/boys. 

Towards the end of my junior year in high school, I started dating a senior. After graduation, he went away to school, and I was always the one to make the drive so we could see each other. Almost every weekend of the fall semester that I didn't have tennis, I would drive to Logan to see him. Most of the time I would try to justify the situation, but it started to upset me the longer it went on.

When this would frustrate me, my parents would say, "Claire, if a guy really cares about you, he will make the effort. He will find a way to see you." This, combined with years of experience and observation have led me to the (somewhat obvious) conclusion that if a guy wants to date you, he will ask you out. If he wants to see you, he will find a way. If he's not making those efforts, well, he's just not that into you. 

I don't want to generalize and say that ALL women put more effort into relationships than ALL men. I think that in general, it has been a trend in my relationships (this dynamic has also been present in several of my friendships, not exclusively dating relationships). This is why I think I need to reiterate this concept to myself. I tend to make excuses for the other person. I explain to myself and others that I have fewer time constraints, or better gas mileage, or a more flexible schedule than the other person, so obviously it makes sense for me to drive/change my schedule/whatever. I don't think this is a bad thing in and of itself, it just leads to imbalance. For example, I have some friends where I feel like I am always initiating contact- always the first to text, message, call, suggest meeting up, or planning something. It kind of gets old. 

Anyway, the reason I've been thinking about this is because there are a couple guys I would be... interested in being interested in? I really don't know the best way to word it. Anyway, I'm friends with each of them, other people say, "Oh, he is so into you," I feel like I'm compatible with each of them, and always have a ton of fun when I'm around any of them. And none of them have asked me out! And while this is not true to the same extent for all of them, but I feel a lot of the time like I'm the one making first contact (Yes, Brady. Star Trek. I know.) 

Sidenote- I will admit to being kind of obtuse when it comes to distinguishing a date from a one-on-one platonic hang out, especially if it is someone I definitely consider a friend. So, I now tend to just assume platonic hang out unless the word "date" is explicitly used in plan making. With that being said, I suppose something could have been considered to be a date to them, but I was unaware... 

What I'm getting at is this: apparently, these guys are just not that into me. (And that's fine, you aren't required to be interested in someone just because you're friends. I have guy friends, like Gabe, that I have a great time with, and hang out with ALL THE TIME but am not interested in at all. ) This post is in no way intended to garner pity or beg for dates. (What's the point of any blog post though, really? Why am I using all these random colors, by the way?  I think it's for when I go on random tangents, but I can't be sure.) I'm not crying myself to sleep at night over any of this. I really am just trying to remind myself to have this mindset. I've heard the chorus of excuses for why someone wouldn't be asking someone else out before- don't want to ruin the friendship, too intimidating, the timing is weird, fear of rejection, whatever. The point is that if they don't like you enough to get over it for the chance to date you, they don't like you very much at all. And if they don't like you very much...why, again, are you worried about it? 

Did that make sense, or was that just one giant round of circular logic? Guys, certainly tell me if I've got it all wrong. 

Procrastination Rant

Yet again I have a ton of reading to do, but I'm too mad about a certain topic to do it until I rant it out.

The hypocrisy of some conservative ideals astounds me.

In particular, I am referring to so called "pro-lifers."

The Republican party is FULL of people who would deny life saving medical abortions to mothers who will die without them. The GOP currently has potential presidential nominees who would outlaw contraception, would outlaw abortion even in the case of rape. I have heard elected Republican officials say that they believe you cannot be a truly religious person if you are not pro-life. The general Republican public considers Planned Parenthood to be a baby killing factory.

And yet...

Did you know that most abortion clinics have to have escorts to protect women leaving their clinics? Did you know that doctors who perform abortions receive death threats, and that abortion clinics are bombed? Or, did you know that when abortion is made illegal or is severely restricted, abortion rates don't decrease? Abortions still happen- they are just the unsafe back alley abortions that kill women.

Pro life, indeed.

Let's also add in that it is overwhelmingly conservatives that support the death penalty. Now, I already know what you are going to say. "Claire! Those people chose to do awful things and now must face the consequences. Those aborted fetuses are innocent little babies! They didn't do anything wrong and MURDER! Aborting fetuses is MURDER!"

Let's pretend for one quick moment that our justice system is perfect, has no racial bias, and convictions are always 100% correct. (HAHA as if.) In this alternative universe, I am still against the death penalty. I'll get to this in just another second.

It is also overwhelmingly conservatives and Republicans who believe, as a general philosophy, that killing people is a way to solve problems. In this, I am referring to the "Let's just bomb them!" mentality. It is almost exclusively from the right that I have seen the sentiment expressed that the best way to solve conflicts in the Middle East is just to bomb it into oblivion, or the idea that it is useless to wage counterinsurgency, or to worry about civilian casualties is an absurd waste of time. (There was literally an article in Foreign Affairs about how our best option in dealing with Iran is to bomb them. In case you need convincing on why this is a bad thing, read Bill Keller's NYT piece here) Shockingly (/sarcasm), I take issue with all the above stances.

Why? I think I have absolutely no place determining the value of another human being's life. Absolutely none.

I'm not an idiot. I know that, for example, my mom cares more about me being alive than an Afghani insurgent. And I know that some people contribute more to society and the world than others do. I know that in, for example, times of war it is necessary for some to take the lives of others. What I do NOT believe or condone is the justification of any of these attitudes based on the idea that some people deserve to live more than others.

Let's go back to the death penalty. It amazes me that most of the ultra-conservatives who vehemently support the death penalty are deeply religious- and not only religious, mind you, but some sort of Christian. So, let me get this straight. You (hypothetical religious Republican) believe in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ? You believe that His grace is sufficient for all? In many circumstances (depending on sect) you believe that this grace will cover everyone, regardless of whether they know of, acknowledge, ask for, or accept it? Yet you believe that someone's choices can strip from them their God given life? The God I worship, He loves everyone equally. You know what that means to me? It means He loves me just as much as he loves the Afghani insurgent, the serial killer, and the stripper. I'm unaware of the scriptural passage where it is noted that God loves you more if you are a white Christian American.

So, returning to why I'm pro-choice if I believe so strongly in the sanctity of life. 

First of all, I have no problem saying that I don't know if I would ever get an abortion unless it was in the circumstances of rape or for my health. If someone came to me, I doubt my first line of advice would be for them to get an abortion. I still firmly believe that it is every woman's right to choose for herself whether or not she wants to carry a pregnancy to term. People who say, "Oh, just carry it for nine months and give it up for adoption!" can seriously... ugh. Pregnancy is not easy. Women get really seriously sick and almost die from being pregnant all the time. It permanently changes your body, even in a fairly easy and painless pregnancy, and can alter your body in very significant ways if it was a hard one. There have also been studies that show that giving a child up for adoption takes more of an emotional toll on women than choosing to have an abortion. Not to mention that white, healthy babies are much more likely to be adopted, leaving minority babies, or babies that have poor health because the health of the mother was bad, to the foster system. 

Let's also consider the fact that we have the technology and resources to make abortions all but obsolete. We have contraception, condoms, and morning after pills, all of which would prevent pregnancies and abortions at the same time. BUT guess who consistently and routinely makes sure these resources are unavailable? The conservative right wing. These are the people that don't want anything but abstinence taught in schools. These are the people that want to outlaw contraception. These are the people that continually try to defund institutions like Planned Parenthood that work to provide contraception to people that are unable to get it elsewhere. Let's also consider the fact that many women simply cannot afford to have a child, or additional children, and we all know the Republicans don't want to help them out with that. Abortions? They're on you, conservatives. 

Reminiscing- Mom visits London and Wales!

I was looking through some old photos today... I remembered that I never really blogged about when my parents came to visit me in Edinburgh. In my defense, I was stressed out TO THE MAX when my parents visited for about a billion reasons, and when I came home...well, I was miserable. 

So, here's a quick recap and some photos. 

Less than 24 hours after Danny and I got back from Poland, I took a train to London. The train ride was gorgeous- along the eastern coastline for most of the trip. I then took the tube to meet Averyl- stayed at her apartment until the next day when I picked up my mom. 

My mom and I toured around London for two days, went to Wales for two days, then were back in London for two days. Our hostels were SOOO sketchy. All the other hostels I've stayed in (London trip 2009, Skye, the Highlands, Krakow, Ireland) were way better than these places. They were great locations, and we even paid extra to have our own room, but wow. I didn't get any pictures of this, but we also went to War Horse on the West End. AMAZING! 

LONDON:

This is a wall outside the National British Museum- it's a replication of a painting (A Van Gogh, I think) that's made out of plants! PLANTS! Way cool. 

We stopped by a military academy... This horse was pissed. 

Behind me is 10 Downing Street, where the Prime Minster lives. My contact lens decided to dive bomb out of my face approximately 3 seconds before this picture was taken.

My personal favorite photo of my entire 3 months, I think. There was tons of construction around Big Ben/Parliament, and it was super hard to get a good shot. We finally stood here, but my mom kept waiting to get a picture until there would be no one in the background. (IMPOSSIBLE!) I got frustrated, obviously.

Statue of Queen Bouddica. When we lived in England, we lived near where she...lived? Died? Can't remember. Obviously significant. Haha. 

One night we went to Romeo and Juliet the ballet. We thought it was going to be the Royal Ballet- nope. It was kind of modern, with no set. Kind of weird, but the building was gorgeous.

One day we went shopping at Covent Gardens, got lots of touristy stuff, there was an insanely delicious food market...but the highlight of my day was discovering a LADUREE! I could have cried. 

Liberty Market- Original Tudor building, totally gorgeous. We could've shopped there all day. 

After a long day of shopping, we randomly chose a pub for some traditional fish and chips. We chose well- best fish and chips/mushy peas of my life. 

Millenium Bridge (featured in Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix... the dementors break it.)

Mom, with Kate and Wills.

This was the sleeper train we took from London back to Edinburgh. It was so tiny, our luggage barely fit. 

WALES- the windiest place on earth with the worst food ever.

Wales is pretty, really it is. People are wonderful and nice and welcoming, it's gorgeous. BUT... the food is awful. Seriously, worst couple meals ever, except that time we just had Diet Coke: Citrus Zest and digestive biscuits. Also- most agressive seagulls I've ever encountered. I almost cried.

Welsh is a crazy language.

The smallest house in Great Britain! We had to pay 10 pence to get in- worth it.

My mom has an obsession with owling. She made me do it all over- this is her owling in the smallest house in GB.

In Conwy, we went to a tudor house that was set up as it would have been in the 15-16th centuries. It was one of the best self-guided tours I've ever been on, the guide tape was really entertaining and informative. It was totally decked out too, the stuff in the kitchen was real (this is rare, most use plastic food.) It just made me sad to see dead bunnies.

Conwy has the oldest intact fort walls in GB. I felt like doing this in the rain- this happens a lot when I wear hoods. 

At the top of a tram ride in Llundundo Junction- aka windiest place on earth.

More owling.

Llundudno Junction from the boardwalk.

Um. I want to go to bed. More pics later. 

Platonic.

I have this formal dinner at BYU this weekend. It's a Scottish Burns Supper, a huge Scottish tradition where you celebrate Robert Burns, the poet. You eat traditional Scottish food, there's a little poetry reading, men in kilts, hopefully some bagpipe music, and potentially some Celtic dance performances. I miss Scotland and Scottish culture so I'm really excited to go, but I've run into a little problem.

I have two free tickets. This means I need a plus one. I wasn't originally planning on going with anyone, but since my entire internship group has each been given two tickets, I'm just assuming that everyone's coming with a date, and I refuse to be by myself in this situation.

I have a policy that I implemented after high school- I will not, under any circumstances, ask someone out on a first date. Nope. This may have led to a few lame Friday and Saturday nights, but I just refuse. This leads me to a logistical problem. I've been on a grand total of 2 first dates in the last year. One of them was with my now ex-boyfriend, and the other was with Alfred- so not happening. (Tip for future dates of mine- Don't tell me I'm too smart to be liberal.) 

This leaves me with the platonic-friend-drag-along. 

The distance from Logan to Provo has led me to rule out pretty much anyone from up here. Gabe has offered to come if I need him, but I am certain that he will have ZERO fun, as he finds all things Scottish vaguely ridiculous and unappealing. It's a really long drive and dinner, so I would feel super guilty for dragging him that far to something he wouldn't enjoy. Also, not sure he's my most BYU appropriate friend. He'd probably insist on a bottle of whiskey beforehand or something so he could get through it all. Brady now has a girlfriend, and I doubt she'd let me borrow him for a night. (But Jen! He'd be in Provo and then you could have him back, and you wouldn't have to feed him! Haha.)  I even considered just dragging my cousin to it, considering he just got back from his mission and I want to hang out with him anyway, but he won't be in Provo until February. 

My friend Bruce and I had this pact in high school- if either of us had a date planned but couldn't find someone to go, we were each other's back up date. He's married now, which negates the pact, but I need something like that! I need a new platonic date pact! Until then, I might just have to drive to the closest liquor store for some bribery whiskey.

Man of the House

Hopefully my reputation can withstand the following revelation- I've lived with men before. That I'm not related to. Two of them. At the same time. 

One of them was gay, though, and the other one might have been, considering he always complimented my outfits, loved bubble baths, and hosted several tea parties. (The last one could have been an English thing, and I'm actually sort of mad at myself for stereotyping.) 

Anyway. Living with guys is kind of nice, if they are the clean. Lem cooked a lot, was nice and quiet, and never made a mess (and often cleaned up ones he didn't make.) Paul wasn't as tidy- he somehow managed to cause a tidal wave every time he entered the bathroom we all shared, but other than that he was extremely pleasant.

In my apartment at USU last year, we sort of had a male roommate. My roommate's boyfriend was over at our place ALL THE TIME. Slept, showered, did laundry, cooked, ate, played video games, did homework, everything. He kept his desktop computer there. We made him pitch in on dish soap and paper towels.

Male roommates come in handy sometimes. They take out the trash. They reach things for you off of tall shelves. They hang things on the wall. Sometimes they move heavy furniture. Very rarely, they will take pity on you and scrape the ice off of your car. But most importantly, they open jars of pasta sauce. 

Side note: When situations like that used to arise, I would proclaim, "This is why I need a boyfriend!" However, when I did have a boyfriend, I don't think he did any of those things. I mean, I'm sure he would have been happy to do them, but the occasion just never arose because we weren't living together. Male roommates. Seriously. 

The current lack of male roommate-esque personage recently led to an interesting experience. I was making tortellini, and could not open a jar of pasta sauce. I had opened the jar the night before with no difficulty. I ran the lid under hot water for two full minutes. I had Tori try and open it- she tried to pry it open with a knife (nope), ran it under hot water for another minute (nope), banged it against the counter (nope), and tried using one of those grippy plastic thingies (nope). Devil sauce! 

Finally, we decided we were just going to have to go to the guy's apartment next door. Tori thought it would be funny if we just handed whoever answered the door a jar of sauce, assuming they would know what to do with it. I have the worst poker face ever, so she said she would do it. 

He did not know what to do with the jar of pasta sauce. 

"Ummm... Thanks? What's this for?"

Tori stared at him in disbelief. 

I finally answered, "Uh... we need you to open it."

I didn't hear this part, but apparently he replied, "What if I don't want to?" 

Tori responded with a withering glare.

He popped it open in a fraction of a millisecond. "Here you go... You seriously couldn't get that open?"

This time we both glared before saying "Thanks!" and running away.

And this, ladies, is why we should have male roommates.

Oops.

My day of my first classes started out normal. My first class ended and Gabe announced, "It is a two coffee day!" so we had to swing by the student center so he could get himself a refill. We walked over with Tori, and chatted for a second before Gabe hustled us away saying we had to get to class. 

On the way, we passed another friend, Tim. Again, stopped and talked for a minute, and again, Gabe was worried we'd be late so we left after a very brief conversation about Tim's impressive "Christmas beard." We get to the room, a small auditorium, and notice that it is so packed, people are sitting in the aisles and standing near the door. We still see empty seats, but they're in the middle of the row where you have to climb over people to get to them. "Screw that!" we decide, "I'm not standing around for an hour and a half." So we find a spot and I climb over 2 people, an empty chair that I leave open for Gabe, then two more VERY DISPLEASED freshman looking guys. 

I settle in, look up to the front (where the professor has been talking this whole time about his late work policy) and see that the screen has ECON 1500 on it.

We're there for GEO 3100. Obviously, this is a problem. 

I look at my phone and realize... it's only 11:33. Class doesn't start until NOON. Apparently, we got out of our last class really early. I look over at Gabe, who is also slowly realizing that something is wrong. 

The following conversation is held in hushed tones across the two displeased freshmen. 

Gabe: "What is going on? This is the right room!"

Claire: "Gabe! Class doesn't start until NOON!" 

"What?! I thought class started at 11:30, that's why I was freaking out!"

At this point, I am barely containing my laughter. It was just so hilarious- no wonder Tori had been kind of confused when Gabe insisted that we had a class "right now!" And this explained why Tim was perplexed when Gabe was getting antsy and said we had to run after a 1.7 minute conversation. And it all made sense, that people were staring scornfully when we walked past the people sitting and standing in the aisles to get a seat- didn't really make sense to walk in 15 minutes before the class ended and laboriously struggle to climb over people to get to a chair.  

"What do you want to do? I can't just climb over these guys again!" I said, hoping that they would say something like, "Oh, it's no problem. Go ahead." (Hint- they didn't.) 

(In typical Gabe fashion) "Pfft. I don't care! I'm not sitting in here for half an hour! I already took this class! We're seniors- we do what we want! People can't judge us, and we're never going to see this room full of freshmen again." (Or something to that effect)

So we, again, climb over people to get to the aisle, practically run out the door, and burst into laughter.